Penumbra

Fri, 13 May 2005 15:42:52 GMT

Mom brought me a brochure this morning. I've been laying on the bed looking at it for a while.

Art school. In Italy.

It's really expensive, I told her that when she showed it to me. She said... if that was what I really wanted to do, we'd find a way to make it work.

Italy. Florence, Rome, Venice... maybe trips into France and mainland Europe... or even Greece.

I'd hoped to maybe do this if I went to college. I never expected it now.

I'm not sure what I want to do. I wonder if I can get 'Sushi to come home this weekend... I need to talk to him.

I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

Thu, 12 May 2005 04:41:56 GMT

I hope you don't mind... Fuji-san told me about your birthday. The gift is a birthday present, but it's also a thank you... for everything.

(ooc: Ryou sent him a hooded sweatshirt with a very intricately detailed cobra airbrushed on it.)

Tue, 10 May 2005 05:20:46 GMT

~~I miss you.~~

It was good to see you.

~~I need you.~~

I'm glad you liked the painting.

~~I love you.~~

Maybe we can do it again sometime.

~~God... this hurts so much. I feel like I'm bleeding to death on the inside.~~

~~I just can't stop crying.~~

(strikethroughs equal deleted text)

Fri, 06 May 2005 19:58:44 GMT

There's a meteor shower tonight. I'm going to go out on the beach to watch it. Maybe if you have trouble sleeping again, you might go watch them, too.

Wed, 04 May 2005 02:09:52 GMT

i'm sitting on my desk.

if I touch teh flor th spiders will eat me

i don want them to eat me

i feel sick and my hed hrts

cnt slp spders wil et me

afraid... alone...

Wed, 04 May 2005 00:28:42 GMT

Wh-where are alll these coming from? They're everywhere? I locked the door and stuffed a blanket under it and they're still coming.

I keep thinking I feel them on me. It hurts and itches all over.

I keep thinking maybe I should call mom... but I don't want to bother her at work.

OH MY GOD! FUCK! There is one ON iklsdgkll;ds;'g

Tue, 03 May 2005 23:18:56 GMT

*blinks*

It's not the time of year for spiders, is it?

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 03:00:19 GMT

I love you.

I love you so much. It hurts. Everything hurts.

I have nightmares almost every night about the day you walked away. I've played it in my head over and over again. All I ever wanted was for you to love me back. All I wanted was to be close to you. Why was that wrong? I don't understand. I don't understand any of it. You said you wouldn't leave me alone. You said you'd stay with me. Why am I alone? Why does it hurt so much... Because it does! It hurts so much I want to tear myself apart just to make it go away.

It's not getting any better and it's not going away. The medicines they keep giving me make me sick, and the doctors look at me like I'm not a person. I'm just a problem they can't solve.

I miss you. I miss being happy with you. I don't want to be in this sad place anymore, but there's no where else to go.

No place else to be but alone.

Nevermind.

(ooc: strikethroughs equal deleted text)

Mon, 25 Apr 2005 05:20:35 GMT

Mom's talking about having me tutored at home now.

She asked me what I thought about that.

I said I didn't really care.

She said she'd think about it, and for now to just work on the assignments my teachers have sent me.

I said that's fine.

I guess... it's fine.

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 05:48:10 GMT

I feel like someone took my heart. It doesn't even hurt anymore, it's just gone. I remember love and joy and happiness as concepts, but I can't recall the way they feel.

And yet... I read these entries, and I find myself choking, because I'm still so congested, and crying makes it worse. Crying makes it worse, but I still feel nothing.

Just numb.

I want him so badly. Just to be here. I want the scent of him and the warmth of his body... and the way it feels when he kisses my hair. I want to listen to his voice rumbling in his chest beneath my ear.

I want him to call me Brat...

Then it's not numb anymore. It hurts... it hurts so much...

I want to run so it will hurt less, but I can't.

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 01:00:50 GMT

I'm home.

Have been for a few days.

I'm not sure when I'll be back at school.

That's it... I guess.

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 04:07:31 GMT

[Remote post from cellphone]:

I love you.

I'm sorry.

And... no matter what happens, it's not your fault.

Goodnight, baby.

Sun, 03 Apr 2005 06:13:25 GMT

Hey... Go to the beach with me tomorrow? I just want to spend some time with you.

I miss you. =)

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 05:54:09 GMT

Sengoku-san, thank you so much, I had a wonderful time. *giggle* Maybe I'll have to let you feed me fudge again some time. ^_~

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 06:54:52 GMT

Well, that settles it.

Other boys are dumb.

giggles It's just past midnight~

Mon, 14 Mar 2005 06:13:27 GMT

Happy White Day... I love you. =)

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 16:00:26 GMT

Bane's been really distracted for the past few days. Like staring off into space, or not really listening to me.

Yesterday I told him I was going to dye my hair purple and he nodded and said it was a good idea. I wouldn't have thought twice about it if he'd been teasing... but he wasn't. He didn't hear a word I'd said.

*grits teeth* And if he's not staring off into space, he's staring at Dabide.

Tue, 08 Mar 2005 04:42:05 GMT

At Inui-san's recommendation, I delivered Shima to Dr. Akamatsu at the museum on Saturday. He said that he felt like there shouldn't be any problem with fixing him... that he'd call me in a few days when it was done.

I have to admit I was hoping it would be today. Impatient, I know. It's just been so long since I've tried to spend a night at home without him. *sigh*

I've actually been sleeping with Kaze the last few nights. I'm not sure what Bane would say if I told him that...Would he like the fact that the crow he gave me has become Shima's substitute? Or would he be weird about it. I'm not sure. I hope he'd understand.

Saeki would.

That bothers me a little, and I can't quite say why.

Sat, 05 Mar 2005 16:08:53 GMT

You naughty boy, walking around naked under your clothes. And right in front of everyone! How do you live with yourself, flaunting that hot bod with only a few layers of cloth to preserve some small shred of decency?

Scandalous.

Having so much fun, skipping school and reveling in porn~ Wish you were here. ^_^ Btw, one of Fuji-nee-san's doujinshika friends said she'd do a naughty doujinshi just for me. Hm~ What fiendishly evil thing ~~starring you~~ shall I choose? >D

Thu, 03 Mar 2005 02:11:04 GMT

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck fucking hell fucking shit. Goddamn HELL fragging fuck torquing shit.

I am so stupid and careless. God, how am I going to fix this.

I can't fix this. I can't ask mom for help. She gave him to me. God, how I can I tell her, how can I show her this. It's awful. I can't hide this, I can't fix it, I can't do anything about it.

I want to cry or scream or something, but it's still there. Somehow I think it would be better if it were a freaking bloodstain. I didn't get blood on him. Not even that day. But I can't keep fucking paint off of him.

God, what am I going to do?

Tue, 01 Mar 2005 16:03:23 GMT

Happy un~birthday, Fuji-san~!

I have un-porn ~~GilxRey hot s3xx0rz~~~ OMFGBBQ!!11!!~~ and un-espresso-mocha brownies for you.

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 16:01:05 GMT

And so... I wonder how the hell I came to be surrounded by idiots.

The one I have the misfortune of dating and the other one who thinks he's going to get away with larking around with his back full of stitches.

There is something so very wrong with the world when Chibi and I are the sensible ones.

Fuji-san, there's a rabid tiger on the loose again, I hope you still have that tranquilizer gun.

Sat, 05 Feb 2005 03:45:38 GMT

Just a bit edgy tonight. Feels like I've forgotten something or... maybe that something is wrong. So weird, and yet I can't quite shake it.

Hm.

Be safe everyone.

Sounds silly, but I'm so glad you're with me tonight.

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 03:31:56 GMT

I've stolen Ryou's computer for five minutes and if anyone wants to talk to him they have to go through me. Probably should be posting on my journal but why when his is already logged in and gives me easy access to everything he holds dear?

I swear I can explain the doujinshi, honest~

~~That'd better be me or I'm kicking the brat just for the hell of it.~~

~~Kicking? I think not. =P~~

I just got back a few hours ago and figured I'd better alert the masses.

Consider yourselves alerted.

Yo, peaches… Did you miss me? XOXO

I can't decide whether I'm jealous that you're pecking the fruit, featherhead.

Saeki, I hope the puzzle kept you occupied for more than an hour and what's this I hear about a bee-rebellion?

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 23:33:08 GMT

School's alright. Home stuff is alright.

Everything is... just alright. *sigh*

I miss you, a lot, and I want you to come home. =(

Penumbra

*giggles* It's just past midnight~

giggles It's just past midnight~